Disclaimer. I love my husband and I think his family are okay – not too many complaints there.
Righto, that’s out of the way now on to what is fast becoming my dinner party nightmare.
I’m not known for my culinary skills and usually run for the hills when anyone mentions a dinner party.
I’m great at the party, my one-liners are on point, I polish up current affairs a week prior (just don’t drop a last-minute invite on me), I come laden down with bubbles, or the host’s favourite wine.
I come bearing all sorts of goodies I’ve purchased from the local deli – all placed on to my own serving dishes, I am no party tight-ass, but I am a very bad hostess. I break out in a sweat (all over) just thinking about menus.
Last week I’d had a few drinks with some work mates, the husband was on the phone to his Mum, who we are spending a few days with over the holidays and I overheard them talking about a family dinner party: “I’ll do it!’” I yelled in a wine-induced confidence boasting moment of madness.
I could see the look of utter surprise and if I’m honest contempt from the hubby. The minute it came out of my mouth, I regreted it.
Whether the mother-in-law wanted to test my skills, she was all for it. I could almost see the sniggers through the phone. I am not one to be beaten so have not backed down.
There’s only one problem: these mad, hippy, tree-hugging free spirits are vegan. For fuck’s sake!
Now, I’m not going to go over the menu, bore you with ingredients or any such thing.
What I am going to bore you with is this; I have been pouring over vegan books every night and the one common denominator is they are all wanky.
Yes, you read that right, wanky. Surely to god there must be some ingredients that aren’t activated, don’t require me travelling many miles to source (for one short moment last night I was about to book myself a ticket to the African jungle to source some herbal enhancer that enriches the dish and ensures a lifetime of happiness and the bowel of an active 10-year-old).
If there are any vegans out there, that have simple, quick, real ingredients, I for one think you need to do a cook book – quickly! It would be a best seller.
I’d buy many, many copies; in fact, I’d promote the bloody thing. I’d just about hug you, no, I would! I’d be elated.
Enough with the earth balance margarine, activated nuts, stand on your head and chant to Buddha while boiling a home laid egg thing. No hang on, no eggs allowed.
Okay, I know there are some easy options, but the books I’ve read have ingredient lists as long as my hubby’s arm – really long, with names I can’t even pronounce.
I’d be in the kitchen for days. Me, I’m going to stick to roast veggies, seasonal fruit, a vegan loaf (working on that one!), salads and alcohol – lots of it.
Happy holidays everyone. If you are a vegan and a great cook, this is not aimed at you – just the few wanky ones that insist on putting out the most ridiculous recipes ever!