If I Could Turn Back Time: I Would Tell Her It’s Going To Be Okay

Regrets may always stay with you, but forgiveness will help you move on

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forgive me for termination

I had termination when I was younger – there, I said it out loud, and my god does it feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders.

I’ve been harbouring that secret for years – too many years to remember.  Nobody knows, not my family or friends.

I can still remember that day as if it was yesterday, heading into the clinic with protesters outside screaming obscenities at me while tears flowed, and my nerves unravelled.

A young girl feeling completely lost, who felt she had no other option.

It was the hardest decision of my life. I look at my older self now, confident and secure, and wish I could have held that young girl’s hand and told her, ‘It’s going to be okay’.

Because the younger me grew up; she became a woman who knows her own mind and believed she really could do anything.

I am a child of the 70’s. We weren’t told ‘You can do anything you want’, what I was told is ‘If you get pregnant it will ruin your life, and don’t come to us for support’.

In my naive mind, I really thought what I was doing was the right thing.

Even now I often think we should spare a thought for those who aren’t coping; those are the unfortunate souls for whom pregnancy installs the greatest fear of all.

Not everyone was made to be a mum, not everyone is mentally capable of becoming a mum, and some just don’t want to be a mum – and that’s okay.

Everyone’s story is different, but most people feel the same pain.

Did having a termination make a massive impact on my life? Yes.

Do I bear the pain, grief and shame every single day? Yes.

Do I wish I was strong enough to tough it out and allow myself to become the best mum I could? Yes.

But I didn’t and at that stage in my life, I couldn’t. I have to live with that, so please, don’t judge me because I am the one living with my decision, and I judge myself every single day.

Do I forgive that child 20 years ago, making the hardest decision of her life? Yes.

  • Written by: “A woman who has learnt to forgive herself”

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