I’ve navigated much throughout my 50-plus years; child loss not once, but twice, post-partum depression, my daughter’s rare disease diagnosis, my father’s recent blood cancer diagnosis, then there’s menopause!
But certainly, I have always maintained a glass half-full attitude, positivity, sense of humour and new-found wisdom (it’s got me through some major challenges in my life).
When the COVID-19 crisis was in full swing my then husband – now recently ex – was unemployed. We decided to separate amicably due to my interest in same sex, it started with a crush on a straight woman.
From there it was apparent that yes, I was sexually attracted to women, boy oh boy. Menopause had kicked in and my libido had gone from zero to 100.
“Wow that’s good isn’t it” my GP said to me at a recent consultation about my progress on HRT. “Well yes I guess so” I replied (if only she knew the truth that I was in a relationship with a woman!).
So, I left the family home, with my two adult daughters living with their dad, and moved in with my parents. On the eve of my 52nd birthday our beautiful dog was rushed to the emergency vet, and was sadly put down, due to an undisclosed illness. Our girls were inconsolable, in fact they were more emotional about the damn dog dying then they were of me moving out, they certainly weren’t begging me to stay!
Back to my parents. I hadn’t lived at home since my early 20s. This has been quite an adjustment, given my mother only uses the washing machine once a week. But I am forever grateful, as I have always maintained a great relationship with both my parents. So, after seeing a psychologist and being able to validate how I felt towards women, the fact that it is common, we are more sexually fluid apparently, and it can happen later in life!
I threw, NO, I immersed myself in the whole lesbo culture.
My appearance gradually changed, I lost weight through exercise, got a dramatic haircut, went from long hair to a shaved style with an undercut. Had some ink done, changed my fashion completely. But I have to say it felt good, it felt amazing, actually liberating. I was getting compliments about how I looked and I won’t lie, it was a big boost to my ego.
I have always been someone who likes to blend in and here I was standing out loud and proud. The only issue was I hadn’t really told anyone, apart from family and a few close friends!
I went to a local beauty therapist – big shout out to Kate, she’s been waxing vaginas for 15 years – and had my very first 2x Brazilian wax.
I must say that losing all that hair down there felt good, although I am sure part of my labia is still attached to one of those wax strips, fu*ck it hurt and took a few days to recover.
I confess to purchasing several flannel check shirts from a men’s store. Then there are the lesbo labels; stem, femme, hell, I don’t know what these terms mean, I have no idea really, can someone help me here? Apparently, I have since learnt I am a ‘baby lesbian’, go figure!
As I reflect on my life and all that I have been through, so to of my family, I live with no regrets. I am being true to myself, honest, open and find I am living and navigating my way through a very different life to the one I imagined. I am terrified to be honest, but really happy and looking forward to what lies ahead!
If I can only get my head around these dating apps, like Tinder, and this whole swipe left or right business. But seriously there is a gay dating app for men called Grindr, now that app has grunt. I do, however, have an issue with the lesbo equivalent which is Lesly – I mean FFS who came up with that name, come on really!
So, gay night clubs, do they exist? I guess I am about to find out once the COVID restrictions are lifted. I will be however, planning a big get together with family and friends, at a pub somewhere, there will be much dancing, drinking, and yes hopefully the removal of social distancing will allow hugging. I’ve missed that physical contact, as I’m sure many have.
In the end it’s really been about embracing life, feeling comfortable and confident with yourself in your 50’s, feeling sexy and relevant, losing your inhibitions. Yes, I have the fallout from bearing four children, gravity has well and truly taken over. I have imperfections, but I have earnt every last grey hair and wrinkle.
May 17 is International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia and the purpose of this day is to highlight and raise awareness of LGBT rights. I am completely new to this community; I would like to think as a society we have progressed. I guess I am about to find out.
Finally, I need to thank my husband, who has been incredibly patient, supportive and gracious, to my family and to my all girl support crew (you know who you are) a much heartfelt thanks!
For me it’s back to Tinder – I have also discovered Zoosk, Bumble and eharmony – and shaving that peach fuzz from around my jawline thanks to menopause!
Best wishes BL (Baby Lesbian) xx