Where the fu*k is the manual for perimenopause? Part two

perimenopause manual

As I type this I am currently writhing around in pain. My stomach is the size of a small country and my ovaries are about to explode.

It feels like there’s a grinder having a party in the pit of my stomach. I’m as hot as hell, and not in a Salma, Helena, Jennifer kind of way, but in a ‘My-internal-temperature-is-about-1000-degrees, I’m-sweating-bullets-and-about-to-combust’ kind of way.

My patience has long since left the building and I’m hoping like hell I’m left well alone because I’m not good company and could easily rip someone’s head off.

It’s just another day in the life of the perimenopause rollercoaster. Some days are fabulous, others not so good.

However, my most important question today is: WTF is going on and why did I not get the heads-up about this years ago (being forewarned would have been great), and where’s the bloody perimenopause manual? The honest manual, not the self-help one that suggests meditation (because right now, that’s not going to work) but the ‘real, raw, it’s not fun, but here’s what to expect’ manual.

So I’ve decided to talk about perimenopause, I’m sharing it, the good, the bad, the hairy face, the accidental farting (yes, it happens and when you least expect it), the dry vagina – yep, girls – buckle up, it gets pretty rough, the sweats…the list goes on. Because if we can’t talk about it, laugh about it or console each other or share our own personal experiences, what can we do.

Here’s to having each other’s perimenopausal back. Telling it how it is.

If you are young and happen to stumble upon this, take note, because it will happen to you, and personally I think the more you know, the better you’ll be prepared, or at least it won’t come as such a shock.

I know there are things we can do to help, meditation, yoga, and all that good stuff but sometimes it’s good to just get how we feel off our chests. Share it, write it down and maybe then, once we’ll unloaded some frustration we can try some yoga or meditation.

This perimenopause is not fun, and while I’m sweating like a pig, bloated like a beachball, having a full-on head swivel meltdown that could rival a two-year-old who’s lost their dummy, I really don’t think meditation will help.

I’ll tell you what would help, yelling a few fuuuuucccckkkkkkks off my balcony and letting it out, and a good cry, because let’s face it, at the moment I don’t know if I’m Arthur or bloody Martha. One minute I’m crying, the next I’m laughing like a bloody hyena.

My thoughts today – one; perimenopause is shit, farting in public is a nightmare, getting rid of my hairy upper lip is a pain in the ass, that stomach fat that won’t budge is a farken pain in the ass, and mostly, that men have it bloody good.

Two; why the hell doesn’t mainstream media talk about perimenopause more? Why don’t they open up the conversation more, to more women, real women?

It seems all we see in the media (and maybe it’s just me and please don’t take offence as none is intended) is a lot of mummy bloggers talking about their issues, and I think that is great, because new mums need all the support they can get, but how about giving some media space to us women over 45? Because you know what, it’s an even more confusing time. It’s a time that more women suffer depression, we feel left out, we feel that we are over our use-by-date, everything is changing, skin, hair, body, hormones and most of all we know that time is limited, that’s the scary thing.

This whole perimenopause business may sound depressing, and sometimes it is, but it’s not all bad. All I’m asking for, is for the media to give us some love, open up the conversation, give us a space to rant, to let it out, to feel relevant! We deserve it. It means less social isolation, less feeling like ‘it’s just me’. It’s not just you, you are not alone.

I want more women to share their experience, because you know what, it helps to let it out, take away the stigma and even have a laugh about it or a cry.

I’ll happily give you space on this platform, because the more we share, the better it is. The more informed we are, the better prepared we are. Here’s to opening up the conversation.

The co-founder of 50SoWhat has been in publishing for most of her working life. She was general manager of successful boutique media publishing house in New Zealand for several years and boasts an impeccable sales, marketing and management background. When she’s not road-testing the latest cosmetic procedures, or investigating the hottest lifestyle, travel, fashion and beauty trends for over 45’s, Jo is often back home catching up with family and friends, or working on her golf swing!


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