Why forgiveness is the most magnificent gift after divorce

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Forgiveness is such a valuable commodity. It is not something we give away freely. It all comes down to how we look at things and what perceived value it adds to our lives.

If we see no benefit in forgiveness, we stay angry. Being unforgiving can seem like a protective mechanism and a thick coat of armour. This way hurt can’t penetrate or show up to ruin our lives again. But is this true? Who is getting penalised, those who you are angry with or yourself?

It is not uncommon for something astonishing to occur when we do forgive. Occurrences we never thought possible could transpire. Our trust in human good revitalised. We need to find the light inside of all that darkness, hurt, revenge and condemnation.

Our magnificent gifts are the lessons from life’s most stressful events. This now becomes a strength that those who haven’t lived through cannot comprehend.

The power to continue when everything seems impossible. No different to muscle memory that builds over time. Making you bulletproof when life’s next lesson arrives.

In my career as a Divorce Angel, assisting people who are fighting for their identity via separation of assets, extreme emotional lows and their most significant achievements, children and businesses; there is any number of feelings, actions and emotions that surface.

People can be hurt and angry and sometimes can’t even verbalise why. The hurt and pain turns them into a different person, and they react in a way that is so unfamiliar, they don’t know the person looking back in the mirror.

Our survival is foremost in our thoughts and actions, and this is where we can see the worse of human behaviour towards those you once loved.

I see my job, to explain to my clients that they will not always feel this way and the emotions that have surfaced will dissipate with time. Time is a valuable equaliser. Making decisions and negotiating when bitter, hateful and full of vengeance, is exhausting.

The fight becomes the most critical outcome therefore money is spent just to prove a point for no real benefit, other than power.

In rare occasions the opposite happens, when a divorcing couple treats each other with respect for the world they have built. The outcome is calm, and the couple moves on quicker.

Most often, they realise that the roads they travelled as a couple have rewarded them valuable memoirs. Making them grateful for what they built and forgiven the mistakes they made along the way.

They don’t need to like, just respect each other. These couples, save time, money and further hurt.

Usually one partner will take the higher ground then the other will follow. Taking out the animosity and communicating for their future.

In hindsight, I look back on my divorce and now know that the pain and emotions l felt at the time were me not taking responsibility for the part l had taken in the demise of my 20-plus year marriage. l was confident that I had no fault.

Responsibility is power. Once, l forgave myself for my part and him for his actions, my life improved immeasurably. Forgiveness set me free and allowed me to deal with things amicably.

Life is too short, for hate and sorrow. We need to live in the now and the truth and life can be everything you dreamt.

tanya somerton

About the Author: Tanya Somerton, pictured above, is the founder of Divorce Angel, whose business is to facilitate a seamless and amicable divorce and separation with the aid of her ‘Army of Angels.’ Tanya provides a step by step process which limits cost and conflict that sees you achieving your most financially beneficial outcome possible, now and for the future. She is also the author of The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering independence through Divorce.

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